I apologize for this post before anyone reads it....if anyone even reads this blog.
I am currently numb.
I just got a call from my mom a little over an hour ago.
Dad finally went to the doctor today.
The first time in 15 years.
He refused to go all this time because he had a fear they would just diagnose him with something serious.
He believed if you don't go they can't tell you.
He's been sick for 2 months.
Coughing.
Lost 30 pounds.
Sleeping A LOT.
Night sweats.
Pain in his mouth.
He was exposed to strep on Monday from my nephew Wyatt.
Last night he investigated his mouth and was pretty sure it was strep.
He had mom schedule a dr visit.
Mom did all while making fun of him for finally having to go.
She'd been begging him to go for two months!
He called after about 30 minutes at the office.
The doctor did a chest x-ray.
He found cancer.
Seriously????
Yes. He said with all of the symptoms and the visual evidence. That's what he believed.
Dad has to schedule a Cat scan for more information.
The Dr. is sending off the x-ray for more eyes to look at.
He wrote him a prescription for a Z-pack for the cough.
Just to see if that helps.
Dad told mom on the phone that he was going to drop off his prescription and then go get a beer.
Ha, typical dad.
I am seriously numb. I can't speak about it as I just cry my eyes out.
Instead I am writing my initial feelings here.
It's two days before Christmas.
Will this be our last Christmas with dad?
Is this a misdiagnosis?
The last person I knew that was diagnosed with lung cancer only made it 7 months.
We're already two months into him being sick.
Could we only have 5 months left?
Will my kids have to grow up without Pappy?
I am NOT ready to bury my dad.
I am NOT willing to let him die!
I am NOT happy with God right now.
This is not what I wanted to hear.
My mom is not ready for this, she will lose her mind and probably become a raging alcoholic if my dad dies now.
My brother is LIVID.
He blames my mom for making dad go to the dr.
He doesn't understand diagnosis or not, the cancer is still there.
Kimberly can't quit crying.
Can't say I blame her.
Mom is doing her phone tree, getting the word out.
Hey yah, Merry Christmas, Kim has Cancer!
Cancer-such an UGLY word.
Such a selfish disease.
A disease that has already taken my Grandma Will, my cousin Roman, is fighting my Aunt Sue, took Pam Moore, is fighting Diane Moore, is trying to take MY dad away. My dad.
Not Cancer's dad.
Mine.
I am not ready to let go.
I can't breath.
I have to do something.
Really. What the hell am I gonna do?
I can't imagine my life without him in it.
I see him every Monday-Friday when I'm dropping off and picking up the kids.
He gave all the grand kids their nicknames.
Even Lucy got one.
Aric hasn't gotten married yet.
Aric doesn't have kids yet.
Aric will FREAK out if dad dies.
Mom can't afford a funeral.
Aric can't afford to not have dad helping him pay his bills.
What does all of this mean?
When will I have a definite answer that it IS 100% cancer?
Will dad even do treatment.
Hell it's been 15 years since he's even seen a doctor.
What happens next.
Where do I go from here.
How can I celebrate Christmas and JOY and CHEER when I'm empty.
I'm completely drained.
I don't want a Christmas anymore.
I just want Cancer to go away.
Nobody needs Cancer.
I need to breath.
I need to stop.
I need to be thankful for the 28 (almost 29 years I have had with him)
I need to hug him...without crying.
I need to.........
I can't do this anymore.
This is all I have for now.
3 comments:
Tears are streaming down my face. I love that man as my own as well. I too am angry, I too am scared to death, but I am here for you. I am here if you need to yell, scream, cry, or all of the above. We embrace this time and we take it head on it's the only way. Your Daddy is a strong man Ruby Larue, he's also a hard headed man as is your brother. Nothing keeps them down. You get so much of that from him as well, you have and always are the positive one. So don't loose faith, don't give up, stay strong for him...he's going to look to you as he always has. Your light is what will help him through. So until we have any definite answers, and even when we do....we LIVE...we live to the fullest. Capturing every moment, every smile, every damm dirty joke that man tells, and we LIVE!! I love you Roy, and I will ALWAYS....ALWAYS be here for you. Praying like I have never prayed before.
**God please hear our prayers. Please bless Kim with the strength to conquer this evil news. Grace his family with many more years to come. Bless those babies with the love and affection of Pappy that many of us have grown up with our entire lives. Most of all Lord...keep this family close as we are on the doorsteps of Christmas, and let them celebrate with joy and laughter the family you have blessed them with.
To my Williamson family....I LOVE YOU.
I sit here too, with tear filled eyes. I'm not so sure as what to say. Candie said it all and I couldn't say it any better. Your raw emotions are a stab to my heart, as I feel the pain you and your family are going through. I just saw him at Stan's on Halloween. Please know that you have MANY extended "family" that loves and cares about all of you. Prayers are with you. Please have a Merry Christmas and rejoice in what matters most, being with loved ones. Love to you!
hi Royal, this is A.J., I want to start by saying I'm so sorry for whats happening to your dad, to your family and to all us friends that have known all of you. I'm not a spiritual person but i do believe in something higher then my self. i ask you not to be upset with god, but turn your hate to the people who take the donations and all that money every year for as long is any 1one can remember, they say that it goes to cancer research and testing and still after all these years...nothing, NOTHING? they have nothing that cures it yet? Channel that energy and maybe it will be you, you can be that person that comes up with something, you create an idea that you can submit to someone and it can really impact this whole cancer thing. you could be the next Susan G. you know. You could be the next Dr. ML King and have that dream, you could be the next Rosa Parks and refuse to just wait for the end and actually do something and change whats going on. You might be able to open some eyes and make those who say they are working on a cure, actually show proof that they are. It might be what helps you to stop feeling numb, and start to help you and your dad to live, and stay alive, rather then be angry at the spirits, confide in him, ask him for advise or ideas, it helps, believe me I've asked for help from a higher being and I think it helped me to understand things. My father too has blood cancer of some sort and its not going to end well but were living with it and hes OK and i hope for the best with you also. I wish you all good health and hope you find peace with all that is happening
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